When I was a girl I was mentally abused by a teacher at my high school.
Now I’m 50, things were tricky.
I decided to go back to school,
It was my first day, I woke up calm and sane.
As I got out of the car and walked up the path.
I felt like I couldn’t raise my hand
Until my teacher read with emotion
My teacher is wise
Heather Broomham
Through My Eyes 
I love this. You did Well
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Heather this is a powerful and wonderful description of your first day at University! Well done!!! You express yourself well with feeling and insight. However your sentence structure needs a little modification. I have made a few changes below and please make these in your own blog. It is very easy to do this. Just go into your blog site and in the side bar you will be able to select your blogs and then EDIT… and then save your edits.
If you do this you will gradually see what needs to be done to make your sentences PERFECT….. I will be there to help next week….
Good work……
Michael
Editing Needed (and some workshop follow-ups- see Purdue Owl for help: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/section/1/
* She told me I’ll never pursue anything in my life, I proved her wrong by becoming a wife and raising three children to be kind and nice. = She told me I’ll never pursue anything in my life. I proved her wrong by becoming a wife and raising three children to be kind and nice. [ new sentence needed]
*I wanted to open up doors, I was so sick of being bored.= I wanted to open up doors. I was so sick of being bored. [another new sentence needed]
*so I encourage my sister to come with me.= so I encouraged my sister to come with me. [past tense- this is something that happened in the past. “encourage” is present tense]
*It was my first day, I woke up calm and sane.= It was my first day. I woke up calm and sane. OR you could write:
It was my first day and I woke up calm and sane.
*As I got out of the car and walked up the path. My body began to sweat, I felt every drop run down my chest.=
As I got out of the car and walked up the path, my body began to sweat and I felt every drop run down my chest. [As I got out of the car and walked up the path.- this is not a complete sentence. ]
*I felt like I couldn’t raise my hand Because I didn’t quite understand= I felt like I couldn’t raise my hand because I didn’t quite understand…. [watch out for unnecessary capital letters]
*Until my teacher read with emotion about this young girls devotion to her mother.= can you see that this is not a complete idea and therefore not a complete sentence. It needs something to be added to it. Like:
Until my teacher read with emotion about this young girls devotion to her mother, I did not appreciate the poem.
*This opened up my eyes and made me realise, Despise how I feel, I can rise up and try to be a person I want to be.= This opened up my eyes and made me realise that despite how I feel, I can rise up and try to be a person I want to be.
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Hi Heather,
May I just begin by saying how blown away I am by your honesty and your ability to be vulnerable. This can often be difficult, but the courage you have demonstrated in your writing makes you admirable. I also want to commend you for taking on a Literature course, despite the fact you struggle with spelling and words in general. Again, this shows courage and a sense of intelligence as you wish to challenge yourself and “open up new doors.”
I think you have done really well for your first blog. The way you describe how you’re feeling on your first day, “My body began to sweat, I felt every drop run down my chest” was a really beautiful piece of writing that appealed to my emotions and even made me feel nervous for you!
You should be really proud of yourself for taking on this journey and don’t forget to enjoy the ride along the way. I too sometimes doubt my abilities and can often lose confidence in myself, so I understand where you are coming from. I constantly remind myself that everyone is on a learning journey and that no one is judging you, as everyone is at different points on that journey. Take the compliments and the criticism with open arms and be the best writer you can!
Congratulations on everything you have achieved so far, I look forward to reading more of your blogs.
Lili (current ACU student) 🙂
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